FAMILY UPDATES
Parenting Advice: 5 Ways to Support Your Child When You Can’t Fix Their Problem
As a parent, you want nothing more than to be able to make it “all better” for your child. But there are some things, like serious illness or the absence or death of a parent, that even the most doting parent can’t fix. When that happens, how do you show your child support and let them know that you’re there?
Here are five tidbits of parenting advice that can help you offer support when your child needs it. None of it will fix the unfixable, but it will help.
1. Remind them that they’re not alone.
When kids are hurting, they often feel like no one understands what they’re going through. Loving parents and step-parents can remind their kids that although no one shares their exact circumstances, plenty of people face similar situations.
Example: “I know you’re sad because you and your dad don’t live in the same house anymore. I’d be sad too – there’s no one else like your dad in the whole world. So I’ve never felt exactly how you feel, but I remember being sad when my parents got divorced too.”
Be truthful with your child – don’t pretend you’ve been in a similar situation if you haven’t – but do go back into your history and find some common ground. Almost everyone has missed someone, experienced grief, or been scared about their or someone else’s health.
2. Connect them with other kids in similar situations.
Kids don’t always want adults to understand them. Sometimes they’re just adamant that you can’t possibly “get it.”
And that’s okay.
Part of raising children responsibly is knowing when to connect them with another adult or peers who can help. Ask your child’s pediatrician, teacher, or pastor if there are any peer support groups nearby for children who have some of the same struggles as yours. Maybe your church or one nearby hosts a group that could help.
3. Make an appointment with a service provider.
Co-parenting is a tough gig, and handling a problem child with extra needs when you’re not their “real” mom or dad is even tougher. Don’t be afraid to go looking for help. Search for a child psychologist through the American Psychological Association or a reputable state or local organization. Again, your pediatrician or pastor may be able to help you out.
4. Pray with your child.
Children desperately need to know that someone bigger is looking out for them. It’s incredibly comforting for a child to turn their problems over to God and trust Him to offer support and strength, especially when it’s a big problem that adults can’t fix.
Children have to learn how to pray, just like they learn how to read or write or ride a bicycle. Gather some age-appropriate prayer activities and try them with your child. Help them to feel the comfort of knowing that God is always with us and will never leave us.
5. Offer a listening ear.
As much as you actively want to fix what’s going on for your child, and as frustrated as you are that you can’t, don’t underestimate the power of counseling children by just listening to them.
Remember, your child might not be able to put words to their feelings just yet, and that’s fine. Even adults can’t always figure that out, as anyone who’s ever tried explaining death to a child can verify. Don’t push them. Instead, just make space so they can talk when they feel ready.
- Take your child on a one-on-one “parent date.” Sometimes kids open up better when other family members aren’t around.
- Sit down with your child and ask them if they have any questions about what’s going on. Answer as best you can.
- Draw or color with your child. Start drawing a picture of the difficult situation and see what your child wants to add to the picture.
- Send your child a text. Today’s kids are used to texting with their friends and may be uncomfortable opening up verbally. Even therapists are starting to offer text-based counseling!
Sometimes, words don’t need to be involved at all. Just a hug helps a child to release some of those bad feelings while also helping them to self-regulate.
Trust in God
Hopefully, this small snippet of co-parenting advice can help you in raising step-children and/or biological children during a difficult time. The Lord knows you need all the help you can get.
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Parenting Advice: 5 Ways to Make All Your Children Feel Equally Loved
Raising children is like juggling Jell-O. It’s messy and slippery and the next thing you know, something’s gone splat.
Then you find yourself in a blended family. You thought you had trouble keeping three “flavors” in the air, and then all of a sudden there are five.
Of course, the stakes of raising step-children are much higher. Kids are sensitive to imbalances, especially if you’re handling a problem child. Even more than others, they’ll jump on any sign that you might love one kid more than another.
Of course you tell them that you love them all equally, but they won’t believe it until you show them.
Raising Children Who Feel Cherished
When you’re co-parenting, you have to make a conscious effort to show that you love each of your children equally. It doesn’t have to take a lot of time – here are five tidbits of co-parenting advice.
1. Create a tradition or ritual with each child.
One-on-one connections are important to making children feel loved. With each of your children and step-children, develop a ritual that the two of you can share together.
- Go to the park and play together.
- Have “girl time” or “guy time” with your same-gender kids.
- With your opposite-gender kids, have a “daddy date” or “mommy date.”
- Cook or bake with your child.
Set a regular schedule for these special times. Once a week, once a month, or whatever your schedule can manage. Letting the child look forward to his or her special time is part of the magic.
2. Listen to each child talk about their passions.
Our interests are part of what make us individuals, and that’s just as true for children as it is for adults. Encourage each of your kids to talk about what they love, whether that’s soccer, science, or books. It’ll make them feel important and remind them that you love them for who they are, not just as one of “the kids.”
3. Show affection regularly with each child.
Physical affection gives children a tangible reminder that you love them. Hugs are especially great because they reduce stress hormones and helps them to feel safe near you. And it works both ways – you get the benefits too! Don’t force it, though. Kids need to know that they’re the bosses of their own bodies. If your kids prefer high fives to hugs, that’s fine.
And be mindful of how often you cuddle “your” kids versus your step-kids. If one kid prefers more affection than another, that’s okay, but be as equitable as you can with your hugs and kisses.
4. Make each child a “helper” for one chore.
Working together cultivates closeness. Pay attention to what household chores each kid prefers and “assign” each one to a particular activity. If Kid A helps you with the dishes, Kid B can vacuum with you on Saturday, and so on.
5. Do individual tuck-ins.
The moments before bed provide great opportunities for bonding between parent and kid. If you can work it out, try to have at least one bedtime ritual with each kid.
One meaningful way to do this is to say prayers one at a time instead of all together. You have plenty of other opportunities to pray as a family – mealtimes and Sundays, for example. Bedtime can be your chance to share God with each child, and that helps each of them experience God’s unconditional love.
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New Year’s Resolution: What God Requires
Have you made a New Year’s resolution? Are you looking for one (or two…or three)? I think I’ve found mine. I am proud to say that on Tuesday I went to an actual gym (although a few of the “dudes” in our church don’t consider Planet Fitness an ACTUAL gym, but I digress). It felt good to get some exercise, but for me it was more about creating better habits – see, I do actual practice what I preach (or at least try to…again, I digress). But, going to the gym IS NOT my New Year’s resolution. And having better habits isn’t either. As many of you know by now, I’m not big on making New Year’s resolutions. Too often, we set off to make changes out of some feeling of disgust or dissatisfaction with our lives – I don’t like how I look, I eat too much, I’m a bad parent because I don’t spend enough time with my kids or I’m a bad Christian because I don’t read the Bible enough. Making changes because of guilt or self-doubt is NOT a good place to start (see my sermon series on “Eat the Carrot”). We are the chosen, the redeemed. Our guilt is gone and we’ve been made righteous through Christ and we are His righteousness (Romans 5:9, 2 Corinthians 5:21). We don’t do things out of guilt or condemnation. We do them because it is what God requires – or, what is “right”. So, if I HAD a New Year’s resolution (insert sermon joke here) it would be these three things from Micah 6:8:
- To do justice
- To love kindness
- To walk humbly with God
It’s important to note that these three themes – Justice, Kindness, Humility – all have to do with our relationships with EACH OTHER. So, in essence, God is saying “What is right – what I require of MY people who I’ve redeemed (justice), loved (kindness) and made joint-heirs in My Kingdom (humility) – is for them to do justice, seek kindness (or mercy in other translations) and be humble – or put others ahead of yourself.” I’ll be touching on each of these three themes in coming weeks, but for now, I wanted to leave you with the same questions I’m asking myself: How are you treating others? Are you seeking justice for those without a voice – the ones others seek to take advantage of? Are you doing everything you can to be kind and loving to others (Ephesians 4:32)? Are you walking in humility, putting others ahead of yourself? Let’s start 2018 off right by doing what is pleasing to God – what He requires. Let’s be the example of Jesus Christ to the world by walking the way He did – in justice, kindness and humility. BE THE NEW! Pastor Eric
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Change Your Mind
You’ve probably heard it said before, “You are what you eat.” But, as the passage above from Proverbs 23:7 tells us – You are what you THINK! Your thoughts dictate your actions. And if you want to change your life – you can only do it by changing your mind.
Romans 12:2 says:
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
We are transformed by changing our mind – the way we think, what we believe and how we feel. And this transformation of the mind can only happen through the grace of God.
Have you ever thought about how your brain was created by God? How God created us to think? If not, you’ll love this sermon series “Change Your Mind.” I go into our brain structure and chemistry to help you understand God’s plan for your mind. If you struggle with your thoughts, addictions, bad habits or poor self-esteem, you NEED to give this series a listen.
It just might – change your mind.
Pastor Eric
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Rejoice in the Lord, Always
Paul’s reminder to the Philippians – his parting thought – was to Rejoice in the Lord…Always.
And just in case they didn’t understand exactly what he was saying and the importance of this exhortation he repeated himself “And again I say, Rejoice”! Why was Paul so adamant in his instruction to the Philippians?
Philippi was a prosperous Roman colony and as such the Philippians were thought to take great pride in their Roman citizenship. They weren’t Jews, or Romans but caught right in between. Paul’s reminder to the Philippians that they must Rejoice in the Lord and his early exhortations that their true citizenship is in Heaven (Phil. 3:20) is a good reminder to us Americans the day after the 9/11 memorials and the marking of the 10th anniversary of that fateful day.
Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say Rejoice Phil. 4:4
Yesterday (9/11/11) millions of people waved American flags with pride and we, as a nation, stood strong and united – a reminder to all that terrorists will have no impact on our resolve to remain free. We take great pride in our military might or our ability to hunt down those that would attack us and bring due justice – but more importantly in who we are as a people, those brave men and women who risk their lives every day to keep us free. It’s truly inspiring and I for one am proud to be an American. But Paul’s reminder is so very true today – our rejoicing should be in Christ alone.
“Now the Lord is that spirit and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is Liberty” 2 Cor. 317
Our nation remains free today because the Church of God remains strong. You CANNOT have one without the other. We will choose to rejoice in the Lord…Always. And when we start to take pride in ourselves, in our prosperity, in our military, in our resolve and lose sight of where our help truly comes from – let Paul’s second reminder hold even more true “And again I say, Rejoice”.
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A Blessed Place
What a tremendous word of the Lord given to Family Christian Church by Pastor Hilton. “Detroit is a Blessed Place”. If you missed a service I highly recommend getting the CD because the promise is for you, your family, and your city.
In my morning devotions today I read Philippians 4:12. One secret to living in a blessed place is to realize that where ever God has you…it IS a blessed place. Paul, the epitome of a content man, instructs us to be content in what ever place we find ourselves in. “I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. (Philippians 4:12 KJV)”.
My prayer for today is “Lord, allow me to be hungry as you are continuing to fill me to overflowing. Not hungry for the things of this world, but hungry for You, for your Glory, for people in Detroit to come to know you as I do.”
I’m so glad I live in Metro Detroit…such a Blessed Place.
Pastor Eric Cedo
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